metztlimoon: (moon)
Marty, installment 2.

Today he has been sneezing and has a runny eye. It's his good eye that's runny. The blind eye is fine- but then he's been having drops in that. So vet it was again. There are more eye drops.

The vet agreed that the signs, especially given he has normal temp and normal bp-point to some kind of cerebral lesion. We have to wait and see, or get him an MRI. An MRI costs a grand... and might not not tell us anything we can do anything about, or it might reveal something that can be fixed. And if it can be fixed, that won't come cheap either.

WHYWHYWHY did I cancel the insurance. I could have gone without something- selfish, short sighted cow that I am.

His Quality of life is still good. When it isn't.... Do I love him enough to let go?
metztlimoon: (Default)

This
has made me livid. If you care about freedom of sexuality and about the attitude of this government to asylum seekers facing execution for it, find and petition online. Please.

The bank charged me 250 quid a week ago for various things, despite my pointing out why my finances are in disarray right now. This took me over my od limit so I had to get a dss crisis loan to pay to get to work. I have to do same thing next week.

I collapsed on Wednesday and had to go to Manchester A&E- my ears have fucked up again but have settled a bit. now.  Missed about 80 quid of work due to it. though.

I spilt stuff all over me and the train on Friday because of useless hand combined with no balance, got badmouthed by the other passengers. I feel very crap because of my ineptitude. Stupid hand. I am now afraid of rush hour trains.

Actually roleplayed a character at a friend's steampunk LARP at the weekend, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Martyring oneself is therapeutic.

Am somewhat sweet on someone who'll never be interested. Thought I was over it, but no. Everytime I see them I want to hold them and never let go. Course, I haven't told them but it's so obviously a no, I can't see the point in wrecking a friendship for it. I should grow up.

Have applied to do a flexi QTS course to do Secondary RE. For some reason this makes a lot of sense to me.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Is there a patron saint of the single? I'm surprised the money grabbing consumerists haven't announced 'enjoy your freeness day' . Hopefully the shops will no longer be full of cutesy love heart wielding bears , demonstrating that you know you're loved by the size of your partners wallet.

Bitter? Damn right I am.  Because right round the country there are people in good relationships being cast into doubt because someone forgot the stupid social convention, and bad relationships encouraged by cash spent on trivial pointlessness.  Would I moan this much if not single? Probably not, I'm as entitled as the next person to feel a spot of 'left on the shelf', but would that mean I suddenly embraced this invasion of cuddly bears? No, dear Goddess, I hope not.

Love is a wonderful thing. It empowers us, motivates us to deeds of great wonder (and horror). We love in so many ways, all different for everyone. I love my mum, my cats, my friends, the people I occasionally have sex with, my work, my vids, the person who lets me get up before them on the train of a morning, I love freedom, and intelligence, and Doctor Who and chocolate, I love the angle of bright morning sun in the winter, I love still streets before dawn, I love fanfic that makes me cry, and pictures that make me laugh. I don't need a day for that, I need a lifetime.

Still.... wouldn't mind someone to cuddle on the couch every now and then.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Had appointment with physio today. Apparently my tendon is doing brilliantly and I have an excellent range of movement for 3 and a half weeks.  It's apparently so good that paradoxically I'm more at risk of snapping the repair because the tendon is supporting itself by itself, rather than with scar tissue! So I get to start the new  hourly excercises sans splint (they are a bit owch) but have to carry on wearing it full time.

However, barring accidents in a week I get to go to wearing it just at night (and if I'm in a position with a high risk of traumatising it ie travelling, working, going out) but still with strict DO NOT USE instructions.

In other news.....

The bank are officially flummoxed as to what to do with me. I'm a good customer, I rarely have problems, they understand my predicament, don't know what to suggest but are still going to charge me for exceeding my overdraft limit. *shrug*

 need a second job in next 3 weeks or well, I dunno really. Start selling my body, maybe. One not so careful owner, few miles on the clock, built for comfort, excellent user satisfaction?

And I will do anything (except call centre and anything needing 2 hands, and frankly that two handed one is shaky because if it comes to tendon function vs being able to pay rent? well what do you think I'm gonna do?). I check the jobcentre jobs every day and am with several temp agencies. It's just not happening.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Had a near miss with the rage last night, I was so frustrated I was moments from ripping the bloody splint off just so I could hold a bloody pen and escape into real words again. Everyone has something that keeps them sane (talking to their mates, singing, watching doctor who, wanking, whatever it is). Now imagine you are told you can't do it for at least 7 weeks. At all.

That's where I am.

Let me say something about me....

metztlimoon: (Default)
 Today I was amused by the following post on a local university vacancies site.  Any Timelords reading my journal, here's your chance for a new career. Pay isn't brilliant tho'


Post-doctoral Research Fellow in Chronobiology: B7362IN
£22,332 - £26,666
One year fixed term in the first instance
Closing Date: 21/09/2007
Job Description

I have also been massively broken by this wonderful item made for me by [profile] blaiyzedIt was spawned by one of the crazy discussions we have been having of late, and I sincerely hope she doesn't mind be sticking it up here, because I think it deserves to be seen.  Although frankly, I think it might well totally baffle some of you :)

 

 



I still haven't got a supplementary job, and am leaving here on the 28th of September. Although I am hugely grateful for the MAnchester post, I just can't LIVE on it with the travel expenses factored in and I am running out of time with which to find something else to support myself. I was going to go back to Anthropology FT, get student loan and cope that way, but unfortunately it would clash with the times I need to be in Manchester so I can't....

I don't mind admitting that I am totally totally terrified about what I am going to do. I keep applying for other PT stuff but it simply isn't happening. I need to pull in about 3 grand doing *something* with the 1 day and 4 half days I have going spare. it won't be quite so bad after christmas when the hours go to 2 whole days, that's two less trips to Manchester a week.

The rather frightening prospect of having to move back to my Mother's raised it's head the other day, arrgh. Its probably about as easy to get to Manchester from stafford, but as my mother's house is full of Bats I might well need to live in My Grandparents, again, neeeaargh. Plus all my friends and support networks are up here.

Or, I could move to Manchester, but I don't really want to do so for a 1 year contract, and see friends comment above. I guess I have to see how it goes and if nothing turns up, think about moving. I suppose I could also contemplate house sharing but I think that might kill me and there's the cats to consider.

All in all, it's a very worrying time.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Had a fun event, it was a bit odd being on the 'other side', and feeling guilty I ought to be doing something on Thursday other than being drunk. But met lots of fun people and enjoyed it a lot.

Seem to be having a bit of a post event come down, also not benefitting from distinct uncertainty about my future right now.

Manchester still haven't confimed details to me, I have only a couple of weeks left at Liverpool, can't sort out going back to anthropology until MAnchester get back to me and I see if I can actually fit it in. Not to mention I doub't what manchester are paying me is enough to keep the wolves from the door even if it keeps my hand in.

 Not even interviewed for two posts here at Liverpool I figured I might have a shot at, and so I am now facing the happy prospect of the dole and all that entails- principally not being able to afford where I am living & the debts I have to pay. So all in all. not good place. And last night I was awake at 5 am with the 'you're shit, everyone hates you, your life is a mess, you deserve to fail you bad bad person' internal voices going on and on at me.

Oh yeah and I have a snotty nose.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Yes.

Some years ago I realised I get depressed in August. Really, not I feel a bit shitty, but the full blown despair for weeks and weeks, kicking off in August. I think it's because in my mind September should be a time of promise, going back to school or uni, a chance to learn new stuff , a real new step going somewhere up the educational ladder or wherever.

And now..... now it's nothing. Or associated with painful changes, and fears, and the realisation that really - I am going nowhere.

Last year I told myself I'd do something, make sure I had something special to look forward to or be excited about during August so that I could avoid the evil cycle.

It doesn't seem to have worked. Possibly because I have nothing to look forward to, or be excited about that even so much as suggests life isn't so bad after all.

The End of my contract coming up (2 months to go) has really put the frighteners on me. And when I get worried about something I can't (and I have bloody tried) concentrate enough to rationalise it. And then all the other things join in the gap as well.

Last August I was in a very bad way, and it was probably only getting this job that kept me going for a while, although frankly, the last year has had a lot of hell in it. This job was intended to be a bit of a springboard towards some kind of educator role in a University, and because PHD wasn't required I actually had some hope that I'd get a chance for development. It was a short term contract, true enough, but it really didn't seem the kind of post that could just vanish . And anyway, it would put me in a good learning space.

But no. Although I was promised chance to complete CertTLHE, the course was full before I'd done 1 week in the post and the next one starts after I 'm gone. So no qualification benefit to having done this post then.  The world is filling with young, bright, pretty people with PHDs and PGCEs against whom my experience is worthless in the face of a peice of paper. (A peice of paper, incidentally, I can't get unless I'm actually teaching already.)

I'm now faced with being one year further on up what has turned into a blind alley and not the opportunity I wanted. My brain is telling me that this (Age 33, no driving licence, no house, no relationship, no job ever lasted longer than 2 years) really is my last chance to do what I want to otherwise I am looking at a hateful university admin job in an office full of normal people who think I am strange and incessantly chat about big brother or bitch about me;  and no creativity, teaching or learning anywhere to be seen. I DO NOT WANT to have that kind of existence, I don't think I can actually cope with that kind of existence. And it's easy to say do it for a while to sort yourself out but there is NO sorting out of that kind of situation. The longer I'm away from anything close to what I want to do, the more that little dream drifts over the horizon like all the other ones I've ever had.

And that's the good version of this future, because at the moment homeless is a possible option as well. i suppose plausibly I could try and get on a PGCE (I hate kids. I really, really hate them and besides the history of mental illness rather affects that one), or back to Anthropology  (I love that subject so much but without some other income of reasonable level I am screwed) but you know what, then I have to move into some dingy little shit hole that the cats won't be allowed in so I end up losing the only thing I actually do have in my life.

And yeah, I'm creative, and I write stuff, and I can make cool videos but frankly, no one cares about that shit and those that do have a plethora of newly qualified professionals not a self taught fangirl hobbyist. My life is small, pathetic and pointless.

What about part time PhDs? Well, I've had a look, and you know what, it's not possible, because you still have to go along to compullsory this or compulsory that once a week that no FT job would work round and no PT job can pay for. And I believed I may have mentioned before the problem with the TLHE certificate.

I don't have a PhD, or a proper teaching qualification. other people do. Ergo, I am not as good as these people otherwise I would have had the chance to have one by now. Ergo I deserve the uncertainty and the life I have outlined above. And because I deserve that I can't change that. So that is how it is going to be. AND I don't want that... so I don't know what to do.
metztlimoon: (Default)
normal service will be resumed as soon as possible
ie when:

My house stops being a mess
I stop being a mess
I stop being desperately angry at myself
The washing machine is fixed
I think I'm good at something useful
I stop wanting to break everything
I am secure that I am not going to become Jobless and homeless in a couple of months
I am not going mad
I am less afraid of being alone
I get over the fact I can never have the people that I love
When I stop thinking everyone thinks I'm pathetic
When I stop being intensely insecure and paranoid
When I get some sex more than once in a kind of regularish way
you know strike that. When I make love. one day.
metztlimoon: (Default)
a whisper of courage for an old project; possibilities I will never embrace; the warmth of creativity daring to creep out again ...and then...

Bailiffs at the door, a bitter emotion I never thought I would feel again, knowledge that in 3 months my job ends and the growing realisation I am in fact poorly equipped for what I want to do, an itch I cannot scratch, and a sense of losing everything.

what is the point.

Right here and now, I am sick of me, sick of everything else, sick of trying and failing, sick of betrayal, and hate and guilt, sick of raging at the night, sick of all of it.

Overly dramatic? But that's how I feel right now. Longing for the release of physical pain over this emotional crap, for the flow of blood that scars, leaving scars on a survivor.

tired of surviving.


ADDENDUM- JULY 7th-

Life is a funny thing. At a stroke things become less complicated and more complicated. History returns to haunt us as the present problem fades. Actions are difficult to judge under the effects of alcohol; friendship and hatred are strange bedfellows and nothing is rational. Gods I hate animosity. There is resolution, but resolution where the medicine has side effects of its own, and maybe other problems, unseen and undiagnosed, come to the surface.

The point, I think, is in the raging. But I can't rage without guilt.

These times are to be expected... They come and go.
metztlimoon: (Default)
Okay so a different night, but anyway.

was on my way home in a nasty mood, a day of inputting exam marks on a spread sheet will do that to a woman. Looking forward to listening to loud music (do when I'm huffy) a nice bath, maybe transcribing some fic out of my notebook, having a bit to eat. I swing via the pub but they're all talking about the rpg I run and I am not in the mood, so I carry on home. Get back to discover I can't actually get in because my mate whose been crashing at mine for 5 days has done something to the door so I can't get in. So by now, being rather angry, I stomp back to the pub after kicking my door repeatedly. Bear in mind that for various reasons I am totally (and I mean TOTALLY) skint until payday, am out of credit on my mobile, my house phone upped and died on Tuesday, and my cat is on the other side of the door mewling because he can hear me and dosn't understand why I haven't come in... I am in an unfeasibly bad mood by the time I get back to the pub, and have largely spent the journey thinking of how I could use this bad mood to say all the things that have niggled at me for WEEKS but I'm too polite to say anything about.
Mates phone is off when I borrow someone elses phone to call, so this all stops making sense. I envision not being able to track them down because they are in one of their legendary sleeps, and as my brain is so very good at it, all the other possible worst case scenarios. I rattle off a message via msn to my mate as the one thing I do have is the work laptp and the pub's wireless. About an hour and a half of grumping later my mate turns up and apologises they had put the bolt on the front door because there had been some running about outside the flat, and promptly fallen asleep, not noticing my attempts to kick the door in. Now really its not their fault but I'm just too tired and moody to be very friendly to ANYONE at this point. So I slope off home with a little voice telling me that what I should probably do is imagine the whole thing being funny and take a few deep breaths rather than being so wound up. However I do get in and manage to sit down.

The evening has a relatively happy conclusion, although I still don't manage to do ANY of the things I planned. I wind up having a wonderfully sensual online chat with a passing acquaintance of mine- (you know the if we lived even remotely near each other we'd meet up but we're not so who the hell knows what's going on there, and hell it's probably safer). which i suppose makes me a bit sad really.

I think the thing that wound me up so much was that being deprived of a chance to write up fanfic (and bad fic at that btw) or work on a vid because that's what i DO with my life got to me so much. I love what I do but when I get wound up and realise how little else there is in my life I get angry at myself.

But that's the old biochemical imbalance, false protector that it is....

Today I intend to go to the pub all dressed up, drink water, play the ridiculously confident card, and in other words tap the other side of me. And maybe I'll transcribe the stuff I wrote last night (self indulgent, but what the hell) because sometimes a bad mood lets me touch a rather dark place.....

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metztlimoon

September 2015

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