I made a choice. I chose to take a risk and move in pursuit of a dream, and hope that by application and luck I’d make it work.
Nearly two years on, where am I ?
I have a few scattered and rubbishy ideas in a project I can’t afford, funding from one moment to the next by the skin of my teeth. I now realise it is ill conceived and pointless; with around 6 weeks to convince myself that’s not the case and the Uni not to throw me out … or tell me to do an MPhil. In either case, that’s 3 grand up the swanny for nothing, and no second chance.
I have a job which – although I love it (and that isn’t to be sniffed at), is going nowhere, barely keeps a roof over my head and keeps me away from people I care about. Without a PhD, there is no chance I’ll get a proper lecturing job. It’s the only thing I want to do … can even conceive of myself doing. I keep trying to think of alternatives, taking the pressure off by having some kind of back up plan. All the options make me want to cry. And they do, frequently. I have skills and knowledge going to waste – and that actually HURTS.
I am mind numbingly poor and sick of scrounging off the good will of others. I am more or less completely financially dependent on others and that makes me feel vulnerable and guilty because I am letting them down every time I complain or fail.
I feel like I’m trapped, caught up in a net of tripwires, scrabbling around in the dark while trying to justify to myself that this will be worth it in the end …
I can’t keep doing this without believing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and at the moment there is no light. I’ve had a go at making my own light, but the batteries are pretty much run out and I’m clean out of rocks to bang together. I’ve even tried looking down some different tunnels but all have me cycling between a soul destroying job and periods of depression bought on by the soul destroying job.
There are some glimmers in the darkness. I love my man and he loves me (even if my stupid messed up head doubts that last bit too much sometimes). I feel so sad though, that he has to deal with my messed-upness and how we have to get by on the internet and some weekends. Days like today, when all I want is to sit in the company of friends and have a cuddle, love seems so far away even though it’s the best thing that came out of my stupid choice in the first place. If he reads this I don’t doubt that he’ll offer me batteries for the torch – which will make me cry. I see friends who are happy, who are finding their way, who have a strength I wish I had some of – although you are all too far away L It wouldn’t be fair to go through these things with you in person, I see you all so infrequently and when I do I just want to be happy, not rake up whatever hurts.
I’m lonely and afraid that I can’t deal with this money/job/PhD/future mess much longer; that I can’t find a way out; that there will never be a time in my future where I will be reasonably content on a day to day basis.
I don’t expect never ending happiness and rainbows. I’m just tired of the fear, frustration and emptiness that are 70% of my life.