Songs of Night and Silver

I've not been about much recently... life is going through one of those difficult patches at the moment, and lots of things look pretty bleak.

One of the things I have been doing of late is trying to explain to people why depression is such a bastard.  However, if you haven't been there it is very difficult to explain.  My job involves teaching and working with medical students, and to me its important they try and empathise as much as they can with people who are very different to them.

Some time ago, I was introduced to the 'spoon theory'.   You can read it in full here  http://butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf and it provides a wonderful metaphor for living with illness.  It was written by someone with a long standing physical condition, Lupus, but anyone who has struggled with mental illness of any form will recognise their own condition in there as well.

Let me briefly try and encapsulate what the Spoon theory is about - its about that for people living with any long standing illness, life is a constant process of decision making. Every action, small and large, uses up part of the physical energy and mental willpower you have for the day.  The spoons in the story represent that energy and willpower.  Each thing you do uses up one of those spoons and when you have a chronic illness... you have less spoons to play with. Once they are gone, they are gone. I urge you to read it, the full story works better than any summary I could give.



( Depression and the Spoon theory )

Sam xxxx

Every six months or so I dip my toes back into the world of LJ, and fandom.

Life trundles on. I still have a man, and a job - although the PhD is looking a little shaky on funding grounds at the moment. :( Its a shame, I took a risk coming here and it looks like it may not work out after all.

I think there must be a fanfic shaped gap in my life at the moment.... I blame doing NaNoWriMo for the first time this year, all that splurging thousands of words (non fannish, technically)  without the delightful option of other people (hopefully) enjoying it too....

It has been a while though, since I did the fanfic thang.

Hello again to my friends here, hopefully I'll stick around longer this time.

Hiya all,

here I am in Stoke on Trent :)

I seem to be settling into the house well, it's nice having all the extra space and I am even motivated to keep it tidy. Lots of people I'm missing at the moment, M in particular (rediculous timing there, but I ask myself the question - would either of us have made the move if I HADN'T been about to leave the city?)  But G,F, E, I and countless others from the AJ are not far from my mind.

Have started the new Job in Derby , silly commute really but I am enjoying working with students again, the staff have all been welcoming and the job is wonderfully interesting, so vastly, vastly better than the PCT.

Will hopefully be registering at keele on the 28th. I say hopefully because my buggering previous landlord won't give me any of the deposit back, meaning I don't have the money to pay my fees, and HB haven't got back to me yet so paying the rent is about to become an issue... however, I don't feel at the moment that I can't handle the problems that may arise so all is good.

I've been posting odd updates oon my FB that cast me in the mold of pioneering space commander of the Stoke Mission. It amuses me greatly and apparently a few others as well....

Below for your edification I've listed them all so far. It should be reasonably simple to deduct my meanings from the metaphors :) 

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This is Stoke Mission calling, are you receiving me, over?  September 1 at 11:16am

Stoke Mission update: have run out of biscuits but have achieved wonders with a co-ax cable. Am off to feed ship's cats and check out communications link to sleeping quarters.
September 1 at 9:27pm

status report from Stoke Mission: Have set up secondary communications device in the second living module, and connection from the sleeping quarters is good. Voice only communications system still isn't working though.
September 2 at 7:20pm

Stoke Mission status update: we may have a problem with the former mission control, but it's great to know you are with me out there Liverpool, Wirral, Newport, Birmingham and Sussex. Feeling much brighter now.
September 3 at 7:57pm

Stoke Mission Update: the Living module is really quite organised now.... but the mission commander has developed a disturbing craving for Yorkshire pud. Somewhat of a problem as I still don't have an actual oven unit in the galley.
September 6 at 12:52pm

Stoke mission Report: no local outposts have supplies of Aunt Bessie's and currently don't have the fuel to venture further afield. However, have found a source of Mountain Dew.
September 6 at 1:40pm

waiting for the communications engineer to dock. Could be any time.......
September 7 at 8:55am

Stoke Mission Module now has wired telecommunications.
September 7 at 9:52am

Stoke Mission Commander's log 7/9/09 - Have spent the afternoon exploring a series of strange canals laid down by a previous civilisation.
September 7 at 6:18pm

Stoke Mission update: Alien Life Form has invaded the galley. Has been successfully removed without injury but will continue to monitor as its point of ingress has not been determined. Science officer reports alien likely to be vulnerable to NaCl.
September 7 at 9:23pm

The Stoke Mission's laptop is convinced it is not on line. Oliver, you are online, I can tell this for sure because WE ARE ONLINE. (Unless I am dreaming this status update, and the whole of FB is a virtual reality downloaded into my brain.)
September 11 at 7:31pm •

STOKE MISSION UPDATE: refrigeration unit functioning well, really nice to have cheese again. Alien life forms still seen occasionally in galley. Ships' cats learning judo.
September 14 at 6:51pm

Stoke Mission would like to report that due to problems with the Microsoft Space Network, communications may be a little flaky right now.
September 14 at 10:10pm

Stoke Mission ship's engineer is happy to report that the ancient tabletop frying device has not exploded the ship, and it is therefore theoretically possible to have bacon.
Sep 15 at 7:40pm

Stoke Mission Update: Commander's log - successful loan of vacuum cleaning device negotiated with Mother module. However, subsequent suction problems were traced to a large number of meal worms living inside dust receptacle. Offending bat food was identified and disposed of by Science officer. Suction now okay.
September 17.

Heheheh for that to make much sense you need to see this : http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TMoJRLStD9c

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Well, I went to see the Something Of Boris yesterday.   The new Odeon is very swanky, but VERY expensive and has glass lifts (I HATE glass lifts)

God, I LURVE Bond films, I really do. They're my guilty secret. The action sequences are so fast in this one they made my head hurt. The mock Computer UIs at MI6 are absolutely gorgeous, too. And I mean, gorgeous.

I think I might have had the slash goggles on at one point though. Bond/Mathis. Oh dear.

Oh, and Daniel Craig is only attractive to me when covered in blood. Guess that makes me a sick woman.

In other news:

a)HB have failed to get their arses in gear AGAIN.
b)The pre employment Health people approved me so it's up to personnel to decide when I get the legendary start date.
c)I have picked up a couple more characters in LJRPs, because I'm nuts.
d)I have to finish a damn fic for the stopwatch PDQ really, this is no time to pick up new fandoms. Grrrrrr.
e) On the subject of fandom, I decided it doesn't matter if I haven't got a full season of Torchwood Liverpool written. If I wait t'il then I'll never film a damn thing. So I'm going to try casting eps 1 and 2 before xmas.

Ah. I've been spotting the signs for a few weeks now, the little clues that I'm on a downward trend to an active depressive phase (funny expression, that).  The increasing dip to paranoia, the unexpected emotional instability, the growing dislike of people, the long, long sleeps. 

The clincher was when I left the house, then went back in to see I hadn't actually switched the gas rings on by turning off the boiler. Twice.

I've become painfully unsure of myself at a subliminal level (if that makes sense), hence the gas thing. I normally have enough confidence to assume (subliminally) I haven't done that. Once I start doing things like that I know where I am in the 'period of depression' spotter.

I have become angrily aware of my flaws.  I'm becoming withdrawn from people, liable to say snappy, bitter comments. I fluctuate between wanting violent sex and emotion filled lovemaking.

These things add up, not to a day or two of ranting (the Journal is littered with them) but to one of those long hard slogs.

I know that for some people, it must seem that becoming aware of these things is ensuring a self fulfilling prophesy. Heads up, mutterers, this is a disease. You can spot the signs and symptoms of a disease, but that's a diagnosis, not a prophesy.  (Look, I have sneezing, a bit of a fever, a runny nose and a headache. If I try really hard I haven't got a cold at all. No workee that way. )

See what I mean about the paranoia?

Anyway, it's not like there aren't enough things cluttering up the last few months leading up to me destabilising.

( A deeper explanation of how I know. )

It's a phase. It's an inevitable phase. Tomorrow, tonight, sometime soon I'll be in it and when I am, I won't remember it isn't forever.

I'm lucky- I'm not usually in the worst of it for long, a few days, maybe weeks.

IT ISN'T FOREVER. NOTHING IS.

Funny how motivation wears off after trailing round town (largely fruitlessly) in this humidity.

No music to be had. Well, that's to say, if I wanted grading peices, movie themes or school recorder books I'd have been fine. But as I don't, the walk from one end of town to t'other and back was distinctly frustrating. I don't think I'll learn well playing "frere jaques", being the 'learn by doing something I want to'  person. I shall have to be buying from the internet.

Well, actually, probably not, having now expended my spare money on a vacuum cleaner.  I was originally going to buy a cheaper vacuum cleaner and a step ladder, as 50 quid seemed a fair price for both objects- enabling me to begin the Grand Tidying Plan. As it is, I now have a 50 quid vacuum cleaner (which I'm sure is very effective), but very little to vacuum with it because I can't complete step one.

Marty, installment 2.

Today he has been sneezing and has a runny eye. It's his good eye that's runny. The blind eye is fine- but then he's been having drops in that. So vet it was again. There are more eye drops.

The vet agreed that the signs, especially given he has normal temp and normal bp-point to some kind of cerebral lesion. We have to wait and see, or get him an MRI. An MRI costs a grand... and might not not tell us anything we can do anything about, or it might reveal something that can be fixed. And if it can be fixed, that won't come cheap either.

WHYWHYWHY did I cancel the insurance. I could have gone without something- selfish, short sighted cow that I am.

His Quality of life is still good. When it isn't.... Do I love him enough to let go?

This has made me livid. If you care about freedom of sexuality and about the attitude of this government to asylum seekers facing execution for it, find and petition online. Please.

The bank charged me 250 quid a week ago for various things, despite my pointing out why my finances are in disarray right now. This took me over my od limit so I had to get a dss crisis loan to pay to get to work. I have to do same thing next week.

I collapsed on Wednesday and had to go to Manchester A&E- my ears have fucked up again but have settled a bit. now.  Missed about 80 quid of work due to it. though.

I spilt stuff all over me and the train on Friday because of useless hand combined with no balance, got badmouthed by the other passengers. I feel very crap because of my ineptitude. Stupid hand. I am now afraid of rush hour trains.

Actually roleplayed a character at a friend's steampunk LARP at the weekend, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Martyring oneself is therapeutic.

Am somewhat sweet on someone who'll never be interested. Thought I was over it, but no. Everytime I see them I want to hold them and never let go. Course, I haven't told them but it's so obviously a no, I can't see the point in wrecking a friendship for it. I should grow up.

Have applied to do a flexi QTS course to do Secondary RE. For some reason this makes a lot of sense to me.

I feel like shit.

I feel like everything I do and everything I am is inadequate. My ideas are unoriginal, my editing is crappy, I am a pointless human being with loads of knowledge that serves no purpose. I never finish stories, I haven't got the backbone I was born with, yet again I'm financially fucked.

Simply put, I am not good enough.

I know feeling like this isn't surprising. I havent taken the tablets in about 6 weeks because I needed a clear head to deal with the hand thing, but now that's happened all over again  (more surgery, more Uselessness) and the gap has caught up with me. I know I have been unlucky, I know that's bound to make me feel shitty. I know I should start the tablets again but I'm not sure I'll be able to do the hours I have to do for work while I'm taking them (up at 5.30am, back at 8pm. Not a chance).

But I'm tired of coping and I'm tired of putting a brave face on it. I'm tired of hurting because I cant help my friends and my family with their stuff. I'm tired of feeling so utterly vulnerable to fate... what if one of the cats gets ill, what if I hurt my other hand, what if the laptop breaks? I've been on the edge so long and I've no backups left, no safety nets, no room to slip up without really falling.  How many more times can something come up in the nick of time? Not many I fear, not many.