I posted this earlier on FB :
ODC: Most awesome moment - Jupiter's Ire during a giant thunderstorm. Least awesome, horrendous abdo-cramps and back pain most of the weekend so felt even more useless and impotent than usual. I 'get' ODC as a game, and I love it as a game, I love the atmosphere and Rome, and announcing in the arena and the awesome, but I can't escape the feeling I'm just not good enough for it
So here's 2500 words of thinking
( CUT )
*THIS* Is not something you should read at work and involves man/man sexxings.
In good news, I passed my progression for the PhD with room to spare, so I'm set to continue for what looks like another 2-3 years.
In less good news, as I feared, they decided I wasn't to do the ethics teaching at GEM anymore, which was a big loss of income, but the counter to that is Keele giving me some more teaching to do, which has just about counterbalanced it in terms of paying my fees for this year, but not in terms of having anything to spend.
It's still a lot of work I have to do for no tangible financial benefit, and it is a proper struggle to keep body and soul together. I am spending more than I have coming in, only through generosity am I feeding myself and the kitties. I'm not leading an adventurous life, or squandering money - 700 quid a month goes nowhere when half is taken up by rent, and with travel costs, council tax and utility bills taking up 300 more.... ! Having to plan a month's money down to the last £1 and having nothing (often LESS than nothing) in reserve is grinding.
To try and cope with the - work on this here, work on that there, work on something else while occasionally being too skint to actually get to work/the uni /pay the gas bill and while you are at it forget that trip to see friends/go to larp you were planning - I have to do, I am endeavoring to make time for some creative stuff as I know full well that not doing so makes me miserable. I'm not actively 'depressed' per se right now, but my mood is persistently low when there's nothing like creativity and inspiration going on, which makes it easy to trigger a downturn.
One of the things I have been doing of late is trying to explain to people why depression is such a bastard. However, if you haven't been there it is very difficult to explain. My job involves teaching and working with medical students, and to me its important they try and empathise as much as they can with people who are very different to them.
Some time ago, I was introduced to the 'spoon theory'. You can read it in full here http://butyoudontlooksick.com/
Let me briefly try and encapsulate what the Spoon theory is about - its about that for people living with any long standing illness, life is a constant process of decision making. Every action, small and large, uses up part of the physical energy and mental willpower you have for the day. The spoons in the story represent that energy and willpower. Each thing you do uses up one of those spoons and when you have a chronic illness... you have less spoons to play with. Once they are gone, they are gone. I urge you to read it, the full story works better than any summary I could give.
( Depression and the Spoon theory )
( Read more... )
Life trundles on. I still have a man, and a job - although the PhD is looking a little shaky on funding grounds at the moment. :( Its a shame, I took a risk coming here and it looks like it may not work out after all.
I think there must be a fanfic shaped gap in my life at the moment.... I blame doing NaNoWriMo for the first time this year, all that splurging thousands of words (non fannish, technically) without the delightful option of other people (hopefully) enjoying it too....
It has been a while though, since I did the fanfic thang.
Hello again to my friends here, hopefully I'll stick around longer this time.
Title: Something close
Summary: Something unsaid on the Death Road.
Word Count: 3,200
Warnings: No sex, sorry. Self-beta.
Disclaimer: These are characters that happen to have the same names as real people. I don’t know anything about the private lives of those real people, I’m making it all up. Honest.
Life trundles on... I have a fantastic job as a PBL facilitator, I love it, but I am soooo poor. I've been doing some ethics lecturing as well (LOVE IIT!) and eventually they'll pay me :)
PhD studies are trotting along okay at the moment as well. I'm a long way from the people I care about though *MISS YOU*.
I am in a happy relationship with a lovely man, (although Liverpool is too far away!), we are good for each other, share many of the same peculiarities, and many differences. Perhaps I spend a lot of time talking to him, rather than writing and reading random things these days.
But with the coming of spring, I feel the need to be involved with creative things , this seems as good a place as any to start again.
( Restraint )
( catnip )
That old depression hospitalised all my muses and now they're feeling a bit better I could do with something to encourage them back to health.
So, if you are out there and reading this, and you don't mind helping me poke my muse, can you throw me some drabble prompts?
I'd like a suggested pairing, and a single word, I figure it will tempt me to put fingers to keyboard....
*hugs to all*
here I am in Stoke on Trent :)
I seem to be settling into the house well, it's nice having all the extra space and I am even motivated to keep it tidy. Lots of people I'm missing at the moment, M in particular (rediculous timing there, but I ask myself the question - would either of us have made the move if I HADN'T been about to leave the city?) But G,F, E, I and countless others from the AJ are not far from my mind.
Have started the new Job in Derby , silly commute really but I am enjoying working with students again, the staff have all been welcoming and the job is wonderfully interesting, so vastly, vastly better than the PCT.
Will hopefully be registering at keele on the 28th. I say hopefully because my buggering previous landlord won't give me any of the deposit back, meaning I don't have the money to pay my fees, and HB haven't got back to me yet so paying the rent is about to become an issue... however, I don't feel at the moment that I can't handle the problems that may arise so all is good.
I've been posting odd updates oon my FB that cast me in the mold of pioneering space commander of the Stoke Mission. It amuses me greatly and apparently a few others as well....
Below for your edification I've listed them all so far. It should be reasonably simple to deduct my meanings from the metaphors :)
This is Stoke Mission calling, are you receiving me, over? September 1 at 11:16am
Stoke Mission update: have run out of biscuits but have achieved wonders with a co-ax cable. Am off to feed ship's cats and check out communications link to sleeping quarters.
September 1 at 9:27pm
status report from Stoke Mission: Have set up secondary communications device in the second living module, and connection from the sleeping quarters is good. Voice only communications system still isn't working though.
September 2 at 7:20pm
Stoke Mission status update: we may have a problem with the former mission control, but it's great to know you are with me out there Liverpool, Wirral, Newport, Birmingham and Sussex. Feeling much brighter now.
September 3 at 7:57pm
Stoke Mission Update: the Living module is really quite organised now.... but the mission commander has developed a disturbing craving for Yorkshire pud. Somewhat of a problem as I still don't have an actual oven unit in the galley.
September 6 at 12:52pm
Stoke mission Report: no local outposts have supplies of Aunt Bessie's and currently don't have the fuel to venture further afield. However, have found a source of Mountain Dew.
September 6 at 1:40pm
waiting for the communications engineer to dock. Could be any time.......
September 7 at 8:55am
Stoke Mission Module now has wired telecommunications.
September 7 at 9:52am
Stoke Mission Commander's log 7/9/09 - Have spent the afternoon exploring a series of strange canals laid down by a previous civilisation.
September 7 at 6:18pm
Stoke Mission update: Alien Life Form has invaded the galley. Has been successfully removed without injury but will continue to monitor as its point of ingress has not been determined. Science officer reports alien likely to be vulnerable to NaCl.
September 7 at 9:23pm
The Stoke Mission's laptop is convinced it is not on line. Oliver, you are online, I can tell this for sure because WE ARE ONLINE. (Unless I am dreaming this status update, and the whole of FB is a virtual reality downloaded into my brain.)
September 11 at 7:31pm •
STOKE MISSION UPDATE: refrigeration unit functioning well, really nice to have cheese again. Alien life forms still seen occasionally in galley. Ships' cats learning judo.
September 14 at 6:51pm
Stoke Mission would like to report that due to problems with the Microsoft Space Network, communications may be a little flaky right now.
September 14 at 10:10pm
Stoke Mission ship's engineer is happy to report that the ancient tabletop frying device has not exploded the ship, and it is therefore theoretically possible to have bacon.
Sep 15 at 7:40pm
Stoke Mission Update: Commander's log - successful loan of vacuum cleaning device negotiated with Mother module. However, subsequent suction problems were traced to a large number of meal worms living inside dust receptacle. Offending bat food was identified and disposed of by Science officer. Suction now okay.
I'm not going to express any opinions on the merits or otherwise of the national pandemic flu service, because it would be somewhat inappropriate of me to do so on a public blog. Suffice to say, I do have opinions and if you know me you could possibly have a guess what they are.
Did, however find out that the place I was supposed to be moving to at the end of August has been let to someone else. The agents were very apologetic and annoyed at the landlord who hadn't bothered to tell them he'd let it.
Now I have to try and find a new place, in a different city, without any time off work, in the next 4 weeks. Good job I'm actually kinda confident in myself at the moment, really.
Elle: pretty much directed at you , but my leaving do is in the AJ on the 21st August, if you want to come along?
In short I've been in a very severe depression for a while, brought on by being bullied at work... not logging on for a couple of days becomes weeks, then months, and before you know it you're wondering how to come back...
It's all going to be changing soon, I'm off to start a new part time job, and study PT for a PhD while I'm doing so. I'm going to be skinter than skint and living in Stoke on Trent but... Sometimes you just have to take the leap.