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Feb. 15th, 2008 04:20 pmI feel like shit.
I feel like everything I do and everything I am is inadequate. My ideas are unoriginal, my editing is crappy, I am a pointless human being with loads of knowledge that serves no purpose. I never finish stories, I haven't got the backbone I was born with, yet again I'm financially fucked.
Simply put, I am not good enough.
I know feeling like this isn't surprising. I havent taken the tablets in about 6 weeks because I needed a clear head to deal with the hand thing, but now that's happened all over again (more surgery, more Uselessness) and the gap has caught up with me. I know I have been unlucky, I know that's bound to make me feel shitty. I know I should start the tablets again but I'm not sure I'll be able to do the hours I have to do for work while I'm taking them (up at 5.30am, back at 8pm. Not a chance).
But I'm tired of coping and I'm tired of putting a brave face on it. I'm tired of hurting because I cant help my friends and my family with their stuff. I'm tired of feeling so utterly vulnerable to fate... what if one of the cats gets ill, what if I hurt my other hand, what if the laptop breaks? I've been on the edge so long and I've no backups left, no safety nets, no room to slip up without really falling. How many more times can something come up in the nick of time? Not many I fear, not many.
I feel like everything I do and everything I am is inadequate. My ideas are unoriginal, my editing is crappy, I am a pointless human being with loads of knowledge that serves no purpose. I never finish stories, I haven't got the backbone I was born with, yet again I'm financially fucked.
Simply put, I am not good enough.
I know feeling like this isn't surprising. I havent taken the tablets in about 6 weeks because I needed a clear head to deal with the hand thing, but now that's happened all over again (more surgery, more Uselessness) and the gap has caught up with me. I know I have been unlucky, I know that's bound to make me feel shitty. I know I should start the tablets again but I'm not sure I'll be able to do the hours I have to do for work while I'm taking them (up at 5.30am, back at 8pm. Not a chance).
But I'm tired of coping and I'm tired of putting a brave face on it. I'm tired of hurting because I cant help my friends and my family with their stuff. I'm tired of feeling so utterly vulnerable to fate... what if one of the cats gets ill, what if I hurt my other hand, what if the laptop breaks? I've been on the edge so long and I've no backups left, no safety nets, no room to slip up without really falling. How many more times can something come up in the nick of time? Not many I fear, not many.
