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a whisper of courage for an old project; possibilities I will never embrace; the warmth of creativity daring to creep out again ...and then...
Bailiffs at the door, a bitter emotion I never thought I would feel again, knowledge that in 3 months my job ends and the growing realisation I am in fact poorly equipped for what I want to do, an itch I cannot scratch, and a sense of losing everything.
what is the point.
Right here and now, I am sick of me, sick of everything else, sick of trying and failing, sick of betrayal, and hate and guilt, sick of raging at the night, sick of all of it.
Overly dramatic? But that's how I feel right now. Longing for the release of physical pain over this emotional crap, for the flow of blood that scars, leaving scars on a survivor.
tired of surviving.
ADDENDUM- JULY 7th-
Life is a funny thing. At a stroke things become less complicated and more complicated. History returns to haunt us as the present problem fades. Actions are difficult to judge under the effects of alcohol; friendship and hatred are strange bedfellows and nothing is rational. Gods I hate animosity. There is resolution, but resolution where the medicine has side effects of its own, and maybe other problems, unseen and undiagnosed, come to the surface.
The point, I think, is in the raging. But I can't rage without guilt.
These times are to be expected... They come and go.
Censorship
Jul. 5th, 2007 10:17 am
The banner belongs to Backlash, http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk/about.html, an organisation that exists to campaign against unnecessary censorship. The government is intending on criminalising 'extreme pornography'. Now I know a lot of people might think this is a good thing, and it indeed doesn't criminalise anything not already banned by the obscene publications act.
The Internet is a tricky thing to police. I'll admit that. But I do have to admit that the proposed legislation http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200607/cmbills/130/07130.43-46.html#j400
seems somewhat badly drawn. It is a response to a case where a man who watched extreme pornography killed a teacher and did unpleasant things to her corpse. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6237226.stm
It is my opinion that the actions of this unhinged individual are leading to an action by the government that threatens the rights and liberties of the many thousands of individuals who find gratification in unusual, but consensual ways. It seems that whenever someone commits a shocking crime and has a minority interest, all others with that minority interest are subsequently (if they weren't already) regarded with suspicion. I don't like this.
the family of the victim make the plaintive statement, she would be alive if it wasn't for the internet. I cannot even begin to understand what a horrfic experience it has been for those people and for the terrified victim.
What I can say is that if it wasn't for the internet, there are people who would be dead. People who have found friendship, understanding and support in their darkest times. People who have found health information, safety information, quit smoking or quit drugs, people who have been inspired to become doctors and carers and life savers. The Internet is not to blame.
There are people who have no doubt used the internet to calm their rages and their violence without striking out.
There are people, I don't doubt, who have developed their wrongness through images on the internet, exactly as they would have done through whichever outlet was provided them- violent gangs, the armed forces, torturing animals, alcohol, music played backwards and subliminal mesasges in tv commercials. And it's not above these people- these criminals- to claim the Internet made me do it because in our society it's always someone elses fault. Two hundred years ago it was 'the demons possed me' and you can follow the progression, blame what people are suspicious of.
If people really cannot tell the difference between consensual 'violence' and going out and killing someone, if they really are so easily led astray by images, and fictions (i HAVE TO SAY THOUGH, PRODUCERS OF EXTREME IMAGES, PLEASE MAKE IT BLOODY OBVIOUS THAT YOUR FICTIONS ARE JUST THAT) then surely the solution is not criminalisation but education.
(Have to say, personally, not sure I am all for having sex with dead bodies. If it's something someone wants to play at, of fantasize about, then go ahead. You want to actually dig up a body or kill someone, you're a sicko. Why? Because they don't consent and you're upsetting other people, and oh yeah, killing people isn't fair, right, or consensual.)
To give proper emphasis to choice, and to consent, and empowerment to say no.
To point out that some men and women (yes, both men and women) enjoy of their own free will, submission and domination.
And to point out that if you are not there by your own free will, then by gods you'll be taken seriously and not treated like dirt by the authorities when you tell them.
There. Little rant over. Except to add, why is it allowable to show people killing and dying in movies for teenagers, but not people fucking, or having a hard on? Oh no, you can't show erections, the horror! Women would be uncontrollable because they are inherently sexually vulnerable and all the men would have to wank furiously because they saw it on the big screen!
Drums, and a facelift
Jun. 25th, 2007 01:57 pm1) FANCIED changing my LJ style for a bit
2) It's been a very strange weekend
3) OMG, Dr Who
1) Well that's obvious innit!
2) Weird. Well yes, weird. Friday in the Pub and I get a funny feeling that something is going on *somewhere*. Which when you analyse it logically has to be the case but I was very aware of almost a perception shift in the universe. I was pretty damn convinced that (and it was just post solstice as well) something was changing with respect to me. How much credit you want to put on an unverifyable, unfalsifyable feeling from a woman who's just coming off prozac, who knows.
E. concludes something weird has happened with the universe as well, not least of all when it seems to transpire that he is related to another friend of ours. He later goes a little strange and collects rocks from a churchyard at 4 am. I like my friends, they are strange.
Strangeness also occurs when I meet a man in the FAB. Its odd how, when not having 'copped off' in a club for sometime leaves you thinking- um, what do I do now? There was some snogging, phone and email details exchanged, and a vague suggestion of a further meeting at unspecified future point. I could feel myself automatically trying to put him off because I suddenly remembered it was kinda scary dealing with people that don't know me- and all the annoying having to wonder what they'll think of you, the fact I'll have to tidy the house, and when I'd find the bloody TIME (or adjustment) for any kind of 'normal' relationship.
Still, Brown eyes, the most incredibly soft and floppy dark hair...and a preparedness to accept the geek. About the same age as me too. AND he both texted and emailed me over the weekend. So, do I dip a defensive toe in the pond, or think that evidently I am not interested in the R word. Or simply just see how it all ends up? These questions, I don't like them. And the fact that I rather like the relationship I have with my friends and I just don't think I would be prepared to compromise. Arrrrgh. I am such a coward.
3) OMG.
Well yes, really :) delicious episode with enough Gallifrey to send E into fits of delighted hysteria, enough tech geek and past references to make M bounce, and enough emotionally loaded content to see me rendered speechless. I don't want to hear about why other people think it should be this, that or the other. I liked it. That, frankly, is all I care about. And the speculation we've had over the toclafane. (And not least to know how to spell it (Toklafain, Toclaphane or any other varient). Oh and how much raw emotion and ...d are I say it... sexuality was in the Doctor/Master phone conversation.
Fave line is
DOCTOR- "Its like when you really fancy someone but they don't even notice you exist"
MARTHA looks put out.
JACK "You too, huh?"
But closely followed by the MASTER'S last line, the brother reference, and the past 'who' nods- the master watching teletubbies (A LA sea devils) and the jelly babies.
I figure they have to come from Utopia, and that's where the Paradox machine opens to. It would be a paradox of course because if they destroy Earth at this point humans would never get on that planet...have an empire, or any of that. (Some people say they are the Gelth but I don't think so but hell maybe they are I plan to watch that episode again, as it is the year Jack went back to so there could be some connection.)
M has the delightful theory they are the minds of all the time lord children that went mad. Not at odds with the Utopia theory. If M is right then the Doctor might have to kill them all again, or at least send them back. How eugh would that be! Also on the theory list is the season ends with a dead TARDIS, There's going to be something BIG involving Gallifrey in season 4, (the images were for scene setting)
Just had this idea right now coz M says there's a futurekind in the season finale.....
2) It's been a very strange weekend
3) OMG, Dr Who
1) Well that's obvious innit!
2) Weird. Well yes, weird. Friday in the Pub and I get a funny feeling that something is going on *somewhere*. Which when you analyse it logically has to be the case but I was very aware of almost a perception shift in the universe. I was pretty damn convinced that (and it was just post solstice as well) something was changing with respect to me. How much credit you want to put on an unverifyable, unfalsifyable feeling from a woman who's just coming off prozac, who knows.
E. concludes something weird has happened with the universe as well, not least of all when it seems to transpire that he is related to another friend of ours. He later goes a little strange and collects rocks from a churchyard at 4 am. I like my friends, they are strange.
Strangeness also occurs when I meet a man in the FAB. Its odd how, when not having 'copped off' in a club for sometime leaves you thinking- um, what do I do now? There was some snogging, phone and email details exchanged, and a vague suggestion of a further meeting at unspecified future point. I could feel myself automatically trying to put him off because I suddenly remembered it was kinda scary dealing with people that don't know me- and all the annoying having to wonder what they'll think of you, the fact I'll have to tidy the house, and when I'd find the bloody TIME (or adjustment) for any kind of 'normal' relationship.
Still, Brown eyes, the most incredibly soft and floppy dark hair...and a preparedness to accept the geek. About the same age as me too. AND he both texted and emailed me over the weekend. So, do I dip a defensive toe in the pond, or think that evidently I am not interested in the R word. Or simply just see how it all ends up? These questions, I don't like them. And the fact that I rather like the relationship I have with my friends and I just don't think I would be prepared to compromise. Arrrrgh. I am such a coward.
3) OMG.
Well yes, really :) delicious episode with enough Gallifrey to send E into fits of delighted hysteria, enough tech geek and past references to make M bounce, and enough emotionally loaded content to see me rendered speechless. I don't want to hear about why other people think it should be this, that or the other. I liked it. That, frankly, is all I care about. And the speculation we've had over the toclafane. (And not least to know how to spell it (Toklafain, Toclaphane or any other varient). Oh and how much raw emotion and ...d are I say it... sexuality was in the Doctor/Master phone conversation.
Fave line is
DOCTOR- "Its like when you really fancy someone but they don't even notice you exist"
MARTHA looks put out.
JACK "You too, huh?"
But closely followed by the MASTER'S last line, the brother reference, and the past 'who' nods- the master watching teletubbies (A LA sea devils) and the jelly babies.
I figure they have to come from Utopia, and that's where the Paradox machine opens to. It would be a paradox of course because if they destroy Earth at this point humans would never get on that planet...have an empire, or any of that. (Some people say they are the Gelth but I don't think so but hell maybe they are I plan to watch that episode again, as it is the year Jack went back to so there could be some connection.)
M has the delightful theory they are the minds of all the time lord children that went mad. Not at odds with the Utopia theory. If M is right then the Doctor might have to kill them all again, or at least send them back. How eugh would that be! Also on the theory list is the season ends with a dead TARDIS, There's going to be something BIG involving Gallifrey in season 4, (the images were for scene setting)
Just had this idea right now coz M says there's a futurekind in the season finale.....
THE futurekind are what the humans evolve into after the Master uses the Paradox machine. We figured them as bad guys, but they aren’t, the humans aren’t really even HUMANS!
Sam
(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2007 03:10 pmI seem to be getting quite prolific :)
Still no word on if I have a Job come October. Its with that committee who go to this committee who go to that place and report to another committee who report back to the committee and then another committee as well.
The wheels of academia are slow :(
HAve a plan for a new vid or two. Will wait until end of season.
BET they cliffhanger us.
Right at the end of the season.
Still no word on if I have a Job come October. Its with that committee who go to this committee who go to that place and report to another committee who report back to the committee and then another committee as well.
The wheels of academia are slow :(
HAve a plan for a new vid or two. Will wait until end of season.
BET they cliffhanger us.
Right at the end of the season.
Metz might be naughty but...
Jun. 17th, 2007 10:28 am1) Metz has written around 4000 words since that post below !
Linkies at: http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1370
2) Metz got the first Utopia fic on Teaspoon and is very smug about it. That makes her a very very sad fangirl geek.
3) Metz is talking about herself in the third Person.
4) Metz has a feeling that she's going to be hit by a YouTube terms of use violation soonish, posted below is the userinfo from her account just coz I like it. Even if it's a teeny bit pretentious.
5)Metz took over an hour to reach resting pulse rate after watching 'Utopia' Squeeeeeeeeeeee Won't analyse it here because well, that kind of thing is best done with real people in real time really in my living room. Or the pub. Or with anyone who could hear me screeching. Probably somewhere at the end of the universe.
6)Metz invented a DrWhoniverse RPG at 3 am this morning.
****************************************************************
Fan videos, for love.
Because I adore the shows, and I adore the songs. Because I think someone who finds a song or a show through a fanvid is a success story for the original creators. Because I believe that the only fair use is one in which no one is harmed, financially or creatively. Because we live in a time when entertainment as passive consumption can be put aside in favour of entertainment as an interactive, involving and dynamic process. Because that terrifies some people. Because the world is full of wonderful, creative individuals who are constrained, however it may be, by the financial and social aspects of society and who find their release this way.
And because I enjoy it. Because it keeps me sane. Because it teaches me things.
Long live love not profit.
Linkies at: http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1370
2) Metz got the first Utopia fic on Teaspoon and is very smug about it. That makes her a very very sad fangirl geek.
3) Metz is talking about herself in the third Person.
4) Metz has a feeling that she's going to be hit by a YouTube terms of use violation soonish, posted below is the userinfo from her account just coz I like it. Even if it's a teeny bit pretentious.
5)Metz took over an hour to reach resting pulse rate after watching 'Utopia' Squeeeeeeeeeeee Won't analyse it here because well, that kind of thing is best done with real people in real time really in my living room. Or the pub. Or with anyone who could hear me screeching. Probably somewhere at the end of the universe.
6)Metz invented a DrWhoniverse RPG at 3 am this morning.
****************************************************************
Fan videos, for love.
Because I adore the shows, and I adore the songs. Because I think someone who finds a song or a show through a fanvid is a success story for the original creators. Because I believe that the only fair use is one in which no one is harmed, financially or creatively. Because we live in a time when entertainment as passive consumption can be put aside in favour of entertainment as an interactive, involving and dynamic process. Because that terrifies some people. Because the world is full of wonderful, creative individuals who are constrained, however it may be, by the financial and social aspects of society and who find their release this way.
And because I enjoy it. Because it keeps me sane. Because it teaches me things.
Long live love not profit.
Metz is naughty
Jun. 14th, 2007 06:23 pmI am a very bad Metz. I haven't finished the TWL scripts, there are people waiting with baited breath for fic I haven't completed (actually, if they've been holding their breath it's either respiratory bypass or they are unfortunately demised.) I have decided the reason is that I write best when sexually frustrated, and it's been long enough that I've gone through frustrated and out to the other side.
I have lost my frisson!
I wonder if fics get you through times of no sex better than sex gets you through times of no fics.....
So, I have decided to do at least 500 words a day of something. Except on Fridays. It's like reverse calorie counting.
And I'm looking for someone creative to help me make some images to go with my fics!
Dramocles5th's set me another vid challenge. We're both doing a vid to 'Girl in the Fireplace'- own choice of music. Then some poor sod gets to vote which is best. Technical merit versus artistic impression, to get all iceskatey about it. He's been doing media stuff for YEARS.
I have lost my frisson!
I wonder if fics get you through times of no sex better than sex gets you through times of no fics.....
So, I have decided to do at least 500 words a day of something. Except on Fridays. It's like reverse calorie counting.
And I'm looking for someone creative to help me make some images to go with my fics!
Dramocles5th's set me another vid challenge. We're both doing a vid to 'Girl in the Fireplace'- own choice of music. Then some poor sod gets to vote which is best. Technical merit versus artistic impression, to get all iceskatey about it. He's been doing media stuff for YEARS.
will post soon
Jun. 7th, 2007 10:02 pmyadda yadda real life sucks, I'm good at saying that, I've had a lot of practice.
Can't seem to get my finger out and do stuff.
Damn 'bleach' slash. Damn it!
Can't seem to get my finger out and do stuff.
Damn 'bleach' slash. Damn it!
crikey, i am seriously tired. think I had about 12 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and eight of those were last night.
Had a lot of fun reffing at Serenity, reminded me how much I actually do love being involved in the running of games and the hectic-ness of it all. And you have to love it when people let you run surrogate baby stories, play with red food colouring, sanction the creation of artificial vomit and meet so many new and wonderful people! :)
Oh and all the wonderful future plans for a really big event in a few years, oriental theme lrp, plot threads for SG and Se, and games to try out..... i remember why I like this hobby.
And why I REALLY REALLY REALLY HAVE TO LEARN TO DRIVE so I can buy a van.
In other news:
I had such a crazy case of the horn last week I reckoned I probably had syphillis or something. It has sort of calmed down but a weekend with lots of cute men (and women) in great costume can't have helped.
Left my notebook in a taxi last week, which is a bit of a nuisance as it contained large tracts of licentious literature penned by my fair hand. You can GUARANTEE its been read, whereever it is. I do want it back so must check if the taxi driver handed it in at the police station. It may go something like this:
*can you describe the notebook, madam?*
*its a hardback blue A5 notebook*
*Can you the describe the contents of the notebook?*
*Writing of an erotic nature.*
*give an example?*
Off to research police stations, driving lessons and 2nd hand vans.
Had a lot of fun reffing at Serenity, reminded me how much I actually do love being involved in the running of games and the hectic-ness of it all. And you have to love it when people let you run surrogate baby stories, play with red food colouring, sanction the creation of artificial vomit and meet so many new and wonderful people! :)
Oh and all the wonderful future plans for a really big event in a few years, oriental theme lrp, plot threads for SG and Se, and games to try out..... i remember why I like this hobby.
And why I REALLY REALLY REALLY HAVE TO LEARN TO DRIVE so I can buy a van.
In other news:
I had such a crazy case of the horn last week I reckoned I probably had syphillis or something. It has sort of calmed down but a weekend with lots of cute men (and women) in great costume can't have helped.
Left my notebook in a taxi last week, which is a bit of a nuisance as it contained large tracts of licentious literature penned by my fair hand. You can GUARANTEE its been read, whereever it is. I do want it back so must check if the taxi driver handed it in at the police station. It may go something like this:
*can you describe the notebook, madam?*
*its a hardback blue A5 notebook*
*Can you the describe the contents of the notebook?*
*Writing of an erotic nature.*
*give an example?*
Off to research police stations, driving lessons and 2nd hand vans.
cor its been ages
Apr. 16th, 2007 01:41 pm Ah, the world is full of that hot stuff that comes from the sky. Yeah. sun. That's it.
I am at the moment, as they say, good. getting a handle on things. Slight weekend wobble but not unmanageable.
Ran into a very old friend at Maelstrom, which shows what a small world it is, and indeed that if you are supposed to run into someone you lost touch with then it will happen when it's least expected. I have a bit of the ol' larp fever again so am seeing opportunities and new directions :)
Also trying to be more decisive and less preoccupied with what other people think of me.
No point in being anything other than me, or doing stuff that makes me feel shitty just because I think I ought to.
Anyone who's ever tried to do this realises what a difficult little trick that is to pull off :)
Some things are just more important , and sanity, trust, self-awareness and survival are top of the list.
Am off to referee Serenity LARP this weekend, should be cool.
I also have nearly purple hair. that is to say, purple in some lights, red in others. It's the darkest it's been for YEARS.
Things I want to do in the near future are:
Do some more videos
Finish the Torchwood Liverpool Scripts
Write some more stuff
Run SG
Larp more
I am at the moment, as they say, good. getting a handle on things. Slight weekend wobble but not unmanageable.
Ran into a very old friend at Maelstrom, which shows what a small world it is, and indeed that if you are supposed to run into someone you lost touch with then it will happen when it's least expected. I have a bit of the ol' larp fever again so am seeing opportunities and new directions :)
Also trying to be more decisive and less preoccupied with what other people think of me.
No point in being anything other than me, or doing stuff that makes me feel shitty just because I think I ought to.
Anyone who's ever tried to do this realises what a difficult little trick that is to pull off :)
Some things are just more important , and sanity, trust, self-awareness and survival are top of the list.
Am off to referee Serenity LARP this weekend, should be cool.
I also have nearly purple hair. that is to say, purple in some lights, red in others. It's the darkest it's been for YEARS.
Things I want to do in the near future are:
Do some more videos
Finish the Torchwood Liverpool Scripts
Write some more stuff
Run SG
Larp more
And it continues thus.....
Feb. 27th, 2007 12:09 pmlist of annoyances, inconveniences and downright bastards of the past week
1) Bailiffs WEDS
1a)out of money WEDS
2)house phone broke WEDS
3)No credit WEDS
4)getting locked out THURS (no money to call )
5)pc on fritz FRI/SAT/SUN
5a)Washing machine not spinning properly SUN
6)work STILL owe me 400 quid MON
7)leaving fags at work MON
8)losing filters on way home MON
9)bag snaps MON
10)laptop collides with floor as in bag at time MON
11)ceiling leaking in kitchen from big crack MON
12)upstairs says its not his washing machine that's leaking, am I sure there's water coming out of the ceiling? MON
13)knock gas on by mistake MON
14)upstairs calls gas board, now of opinion feud in place MON
15)Sleep erratically and am 5 minutes late TUES
16)forget keys to office TUES
1) Bailiffs WEDS
1a)out of money WEDS
2)house phone broke WEDS
3)No credit WEDS
4)getting locked out THURS (no money to call )
5)pc on fritz FRI/SAT/SUN
5a)Washing machine not spinning properly SUN
6)work STILL owe me 400 quid MON
7)leaving fags at work MON
8)losing filters on way home MON
9)bag snaps MON
10)laptop collides with floor as in bag at time MON
11)ceiling leaking in kitchen from big crack MON
12)upstairs says its not his washing machine that's leaking, am I sure there's water coming out of the ceiling? MON
13)knock gas on by mistake MON
14)upstairs calls gas board, now of opinion feud in place MON
15)Sleep erratically and am 5 minutes late TUES
16)forget keys to office TUES
I rant. I rant a lot. Then I calm down.
Feb. 26th, 2007 03:22 pmI started work her officially on the first of November. because I had actually done a week's work prior to that, its been arranged that my start date would be adjusted.
In november I got 2 weeks pay because of how pay works. This I would get at the end of december, for christmas. (it happened, but I was over my OD limit again because I couldn't eat and pay my rent on half a salary)
this didn't happen in december, but because the pay is processed early, it was too late.
it was too late in january as well, because no one was back in work until it was too late, but it would definately be in february's pay
february's pay does not contain it.
I NEED that money. Which means my OD is still maxed out, (I have asked to extend, my income is too erratic, apparently) which means the person that the OD was arranged to pay is still waiting for their money, which means I am still angsting over the complex set of circumstances.... now of course compounded by the mysterious reappearence of a bailiffs letter from where I used to live for council tax in which I am being pursued but not the person who was there resident with me at the time. I NEED that money because at the moment I have to pay my bills and once I have done so because of having to pay the OD person, I will be eating crusts from outside macDonalds and sleeping in an empty wardrobe.
i am 400 quid away from sleeping at nights, getting on with the things I can't get on with for various reasons until this matter resolves, stop giving everyone reason to assume I'm INSANE, and from the bank repossessing my bloody FEET or something.
Meanwhile, I am still single and frustrated and feeling all a bit old and past it. I have become the lonely cat woman, and a job, and a fantasy life and bugger all else.
But at least I have a job
At least I have cats
And at least the slash readers like me........
In november I got 2 weeks pay because of how pay works. This I would get at the end of december, for christmas. (it happened, but I was over my OD limit again because I couldn't eat and pay my rent on half a salary)
this didn't happen in december, but because the pay is processed early, it was too late.
it was too late in january as well, because no one was back in work until it was too late, but it would definately be in february's pay
february's pay does not contain it.
I NEED that money. Which means my OD is still maxed out, (I have asked to extend, my income is too erratic, apparently) which means the person that the OD was arranged to pay is still waiting for their money, which means I am still angsting over the complex set of circumstances.... now of course compounded by the mysterious reappearence of a bailiffs letter from where I used to live for council tax in which I am being pursued but not the person who was there resident with me at the time. I NEED that money because at the moment I have to pay my bills and once I have done so because of having to pay the OD person, I will be eating crusts from outside macDonalds and sleeping in an empty wardrobe.
i am 400 quid away from sleeping at nights, getting on with the things I can't get on with for various reasons until this matter resolves, stop giving everyone reason to assume I'm INSANE, and from the bank repossessing my bloody FEET or something.
Meanwhile, I am still single and frustrated and feeling all a bit old and past it. I have become the lonely cat woman, and a job, and a fantasy life and bugger all else.
But at least I have a job
At least I have cats
And at least the slash readers like me........
Things that happened last night again
Feb. 23rd, 2007 09:34 amOkay so a different night, but anyway.
was on my way home in a nasty mood, a day of inputting exam marks on a spread sheet will do that to a woman. Looking forward to listening to loud music (do when I'm huffy) a nice bath, maybe transcribing some fic out of my notebook, having a bit to eat. I swing via the pub but they're all talking about the rpg I run and I am not in the mood, so I carry on home. Get back to discover I can't actually get in because my mate whose been crashing at mine for 5 days has done something to the door so I can't get in. So by now, being rather angry, I stomp back to the pub after kicking my door repeatedly. Bear in mind that for various reasons I am totally (and I mean TOTALLY) skint until payday, am out of credit on my mobile, my house phone upped and died on Tuesday, and my cat is on the other side of the door mewling because he can hear me and dosn't understand why I haven't come in... I am in an unfeasibly bad mood by the time I get back to the pub, and have largely spent the journey thinking of how I could use this bad mood to say all the things that have niggled at me for WEEKS but I'm too polite to say anything about.
Mates phone is off when I borrow someone elses phone to call, so this all stops making sense. I envision not being able to track them down because they are in one of their legendary sleeps, and as my brain is so very good at it, all the other possible worst case scenarios. I rattle off a message via msn to my mate as the one thing I do have is the work laptp and the pub's wireless. About an hour and a half of grumping later my mate turns up and apologises they had put the bolt on the front door because there had been some running about outside the flat, and promptly fallen asleep, not noticing my attempts to kick the door in. Now really its not their fault but I'm just too tired and moody to be very friendly to ANYONE at this point. So I slope off home with a little voice telling me that what I should probably do is imagine the whole thing being funny and take a few deep breaths rather than being so wound up. However I do get in and manage to sit down.
The evening has a relatively happy conclusion, although I still don't manage to do ANY of the things I planned. I wind up having a wonderfully sensual online chat with a passing acquaintance of mine- (you know the if we lived even remotely near each other we'd meet up but we're not so who the hell knows what's going on there, and hell it's probably safer). which i suppose makes me a bit sad really.
I think the thing that wound me up so much was that being deprived of a chance to write up fanfic (and bad fic at that btw) or work on a vid because that's what i DO with my life got to me so much. I love what I do but when I get wound up and realise how little else there is in my life I get angry at myself.
But that's the old biochemical imbalance, false protector that it is....
Today I intend to go to the pub all dressed up, drink water, play the ridiculously confident card, and in other words tap the other side of me. And maybe I'll transcribe the stuff I wrote last night (self indulgent, but what the hell) because sometimes a bad mood lets me touch a rather dark place.....
was on my way home in a nasty mood, a day of inputting exam marks on a spread sheet will do that to a woman. Looking forward to listening to loud music (do when I'm huffy) a nice bath, maybe transcribing some fic out of my notebook, having a bit to eat. I swing via the pub but they're all talking about the rpg I run and I am not in the mood, so I carry on home. Get back to discover I can't actually get in because my mate whose been crashing at mine for 5 days has done something to the door so I can't get in. So by now, being rather angry, I stomp back to the pub after kicking my door repeatedly. Bear in mind that for various reasons I am totally (and I mean TOTALLY) skint until payday, am out of credit on my mobile, my house phone upped and died on Tuesday, and my cat is on the other side of the door mewling because he can hear me and dosn't understand why I haven't come in... I am in an unfeasibly bad mood by the time I get back to the pub, and have largely spent the journey thinking of how I could use this bad mood to say all the things that have niggled at me for WEEKS but I'm too polite to say anything about.
Mates phone is off when I borrow someone elses phone to call, so this all stops making sense. I envision not being able to track them down because they are in one of their legendary sleeps, and as my brain is so very good at it, all the other possible worst case scenarios. I rattle off a message via msn to my mate as the one thing I do have is the work laptp and the pub's wireless. About an hour and a half of grumping later my mate turns up and apologises they had put the bolt on the front door because there had been some running about outside the flat, and promptly fallen asleep, not noticing my attempts to kick the door in. Now really its not their fault but I'm just too tired and moody to be very friendly to ANYONE at this point. So I slope off home with a little voice telling me that what I should probably do is imagine the whole thing being funny and take a few deep breaths rather than being so wound up. However I do get in and manage to sit down.
The evening has a relatively happy conclusion, although I still don't manage to do ANY of the things I planned. I wind up having a wonderfully sensual online chat with a passing acquaintance of mine- (you know the if we lived even remotely near each other we'd meet up but we're not so who the hell knows what's going on there, and hell it's probably safer). which i suppose makes me a bit sad really.
I think the thing that wound me up so much was that being deprived of a chance to write up fanfic (and bad fic at that btw) or work on a vid because that's what i DO with my life got to me so much. I love what I do but when I get wound up and realise how little else there is in my life I get angry at myself.
But that's the old biochemical imbalance, false protector that it is....
Today I intend to go to the pub all dressed up, drink water, play the ridiculously confident card, and in other words tap the other side of me. And maybe I'll transcribe the stuff I wrote last night (self indulgent, but what the hell) because sometimes a bad mood lets me touch a rather dark place.....
Things that happened last night-
Feb. 22nd, 2007 10:36 am1)Eddie Lost the number nine, but found it under a box
2)Three more plots for TL scripts are in the bag (mostly)
3)I had unbelieveably NASTY dreams
4)My housephone is dead, and my mobile is out of credit. Email coms only.
5)I left my notebook at work AGAIN will get round to transcribing the contents eventually
2)Three more plots for TL scripts are in the bag (mostly)
3)I had unbelieveably NASTY dreams
4)My housephone is dead, and my mobile is out of credit. Email coms only.
5)I left my notebook at work AGAIN will get round to transcribing the contents eventually
