Hello Darkness, my old friend.

[metztlimoon]

Ah. I've been spotting the signs for a few weeks now, the little clues that I'm on a downward trend to an active depressive phase (funny expression, that).  The increasing dip to paranoia, the unexpected emotional instability, the growing dislike of people, the long, long sleeps. 

The clincher was when I left the house, then went back in to see I hadn't actually switched the gas rings on by turning off the boiler. Twice.

I've become painfully unsure of myself at a subliminal level (if that makes sense), hence the gas thing. I normally have enough confidence to assume (subliminally) I haven't done that. Once I start doing things like that I know where I am in the 'period of depression' spotter.

I have become angrily aware of my flaws.  I'm becoming withdrawn from people, liable to say snappy, bitter comments. I fluctuate between wanting violent sex and emotion filled lovemaking.

These things add up, not to a day or two of ranting (the Journal is littered with them) but to one of those long hard slogs.

I know that for some people, it must seem that becoming aware of these things is ensuring a self fulfilling prophesy. Heads up, mutterers, this is a disease. You can spot the signs and symptoms of a disease, but that's a diagnosis, not a prophesy.  (Look, I have sneezing, a bit of a fever, a runny nose and a headache. If I try really hard I haven't got a cold at all. No workee that way. )

See what I mean about the paranoia?

Anyway, it's not like there aren't enough things cluttering up the last few months leading up to me destabilising.


1) Working stupid hours for so long, Marty, Trip to see Hamlet becomes logistical hell, managed, but so much the lesser for it. (Survived as incidents, but make things just a little shaky because leads to cancellation of holiday plan.  Undesireable, but life's like that. On their own, not enough.)

2) Uncertainty about the course ( my will, the future and to finances), Financial instability, friends emotional pain, Hayfever fails to respond to 3 different types of drug so have constant blocked nose and shit sleep. (leaving me edgy, but still okay in the main- but on edge of danger zone)

3) The realisation that next to my peers, I am the singleton- the one no-one *loves*- the one without the relationship 'Goods'. Acutely realised due to engagements, moving ins, and weddings. No longer in the same 'club' as my friends. That I'm there because I'm a coward for not risking it, but at the same time, I reject someone who might have wanted me because it didn't feel right- a sudden spate of nostalgia - (Now we're on distinctly shaky ground but it's okay, I'm just feeling sorry for myself - In the danger zone but could still snap out of it)

4) A flurry of small, minor incidents that are nothing in themselves - having a crush (want to remove sex drive- inconsiderate and pointless thing)-being egged by chavs in the street - try to do something nice that fails.  (Straw, camel, back.)

5) Change in emotional state becomes painfully evident, because I'm still lucid enough to realise that by now my thought processes and responses are being affected. Tired, demotivated, know what has to be done but still not able to do it, self esteem dropping to zero, ability to see  positives or way out  failing,  losing interest in everything  because it gives me very little pleasure. I'm avoiding things I might enjoy because if I don't enjoy them, they'll break, I'll break. I fight every second to try and hold myself together-but everything feels like it's slipping away.  (This is where I am now)

6) I only remember how this stage feels when I'm on the downturn. words can't explain it. You'll know it if you've ever felt it. The world feels wrong, like theres some kind of invisible barrier between you and it. People feel fake-alien almost. You want them around you but they're unbearably wrong. You may snatch a few seconds of humour from something, or recognise something as pleasant, but it  doesn't touch you. You know it should- it makes it worse. Rage and frustration and emotional pain. Half the time you pretend you're okay (its odd, it's easier when you're here than when you're at stage 5, sometimes. At stage 5 you have no energy to pretend.) Darkness, and hatred, and despair. You can't fight, you can barely function. You cling to pain because it's the last thing left that feels real. There is no way out of it, just to cling on, try not to sabotage yourself too badly,  try to remember that something will change, and then it will get better. You have no idea what or when that will be, though. Even if it's possible.

It's a phase. It's an inevitable phase. Tomorrow, tonight, sometime soon I'll be in it and when I am, I won't remember it isn't forever.

I'm lucky- I'm not usually in the worst of it for long, a few days, maybe weeks.

IT ISN'T FOREVER. NOTHING IS.

Comments

[metztlimoon.livejournal.com]

Ta hun :) It IS appreciated *hugs*