If you really want to read it you can....
Oct. 23rd, 2008 11:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
metztlimoon
aka “A stitch in time saves a pint of Biddys”
With apologies to the English Language
It was a dark and stormy night
No, actually, I lie
It was a drizzly Friday eve
and the AJ I espied
Our temple of the sacred booze
filled with happy light
Where there is a crazy crowd
Every Friday Night
So crowded round the table top
Or quiz machine, or bar
We talk of smut, and science and things
And talk of smut some more.
This particular Friday night
was to turn, most strangely awry
but we were heedless to the perilous twist
and shapes in the darkening sky.
Inside, Crouch wraps up a game
as the queue at the bar grows long
and Ifan brings up the Biddenden's pot
to sell to the thirsty throng
Ah ha! I arrive in a low cut top
Graham is watching the Cricket
Winchester's Guiness - already half drunk
Keith yells as England take a wicket
Fran hits the cider and Eddy arrives
Fresh from a Bronze age dig
Through the window, there's Liz and Tom
Avoiding the rain for a crafty cig.
As Time goes on, Clare Payne is seen
and the usual suspects arrive in the haze
Oblivious now to the oncoming storm
It's quite on purpose I use that phrase
James comes late, he's come from work
concerned, with an unusual thing to disclose
“I think Something weird is going on here,
From out there the AJ kind of glows.”
“That'll be the dimensional shift” I say
And Winchester giggles and nods
Til' the smut monkeys pop in and pass on their fears
Red clouds gather; Glowing pub? Oh, the Odds.
“Did anyone hear...” begins Izzy, when a shriek
Accompanies the sound of the window blowing in
Brian steps up bravely, to seal the howling breach
So he's the first to notice... And now I need a Gin
Gone is the car park, and gone are the trees
Gone are the shrubs and the pigeons and bees
Gone are the bollards, and gone are the shrubs
Floating in space - is no place for a pub.
Panic ensues, though we are oddly still calm
“I'm sure I heard...” says Fran into the fray
Clare runs to the loo, as there's news from the bar.
“Gay” says Matt Chall. “This is just Gay.”
“The Biddys is missing, and so is the ale”
Ifan announces this solemnly, and more panic occurs
“That's not bloody on,” says Crouch, with a moan
“I'll have 'em, the thieves, the low down curs!”
“Hummmm,” I ponder. “Space, cider and beer.”
“Do you think it's connected?” Russell wonders out loud
“I think I heard it too,” whispers Eddy, to Fran
Richard, Doug & Keith dish out Pimms to the crowd
Clare wanders back, looking puzzled to fuck
“Has there always been a TARDIS in the ladies' loo?”
When a rather skinny man saunters up to the Bar
“I heard you have Biddys, is this rumour true?”
“Um, no,” Ifan says. “Well it was once before,
but now we're in space and the cider's no more.”
“Ah,” says the man. “I'm the Doctor; Hello!
And this rhyme scheme has suddenly changed, did you know?...
it was sort of ABCB with an occasional break for dramatic licence but, fundamentally that's the essence of it, which is entirely appropriate for a ballad ... Oh, Am I in a poem?... You really should do something with the syllable count it's all over the place........”
“Something's stolen the beer,” I announce, being calm
“And it's left us floating in space, all alone”
“We have to find the beer,” says Gaz, with a frown
“Screw the beer,” says James. “I want to go home.”
“Screw something,” I mutter- (old habits die hard)
And I struggle to hold back my horn
“You're drooling,”says Elaine, she laughs and points
“Sam, Your head is full of porn.”
Fortunately for us, my brain isn't the issue
Graham's still focused on the problem at hand.
“So, who'd steal a pub just to get at the beer,
and does anyone have even PART of a plan?”
“Do you have engines?” says the Doc with a grin
“No, it's a pub,” Winchester puts in
“Again with the rhyming!” the Doctor accuses
“I cant help it!” I say .... “Stop making excuses”
“The pub is the issue not artistic merit,”
Fran says quite firmly to get us on track
And with that encouragement we leap into action
For truth, for honour- for the Biddys we lack
The Doctor heads off, he's followed By Ed
Gaz finds some footprints, Ben an inscription
Which would be perfect to tell us just what has gone on
Except for the mathematical code that it's writ in.
“Ah ha,” says Liz, “TepR this is easy!”
“Schoolboy error,” says Brian, just in case we forgot
While I can't help but perv, the encryption is sorted
Like the guardian crossword, with debating, a lot
Meanwhile in the TARDIS the Doc is concerned
“It's not only space, you have travelled in Time
Eddie don't touch that, no, you can't have a go.
Hands off that screwdriver! Get off! It's mine!”
“It's a manual” says Martin, quite pleased with himself
The aliens dropped it while pinching the beer.”
“And receipt for the purchase of goods, second hand
from Ebay, 5299, that's the year.”
The Doctor emerges still wrestling Ed
To read through the clues we have found
but rescue is further away than we thought
It's a while before this pub touches the ground
The Doctor and Crouch, abetted by Helen
Work out what's happened this night
A miscalculation of co-ordinates, and slightly dodgy kit
Conspired to steal beer, and put the AJ in flight
“The alien tech for transporting the beer
Was not very selective at all
so it opened a rift up in space and in time
through which the pub could fall
The side effects are dangerous
now time's become unstable.”
To prove the point Laura indicates
a rapidly aging table
And some of the punters devolve as we watch
into lizards and monkeys and fish
But all of the Larpers and their very close friends
Seem immune to this dangerous twist
“Incoming!” says Graham, who'd taken the watch
“I can see Dalek forces! Quick everyone! Hide!”
“We are so fucked,” Chall comments aloud
“I've seen this show! Everyone dies!”
“But with my sonic phallus we....”
Says the Doctor, and looks confused.
“Ahh ha, there's a smut field in this pub
which is something I could use!”
James calms the menagerie with a few happy songs
while the rest of us buy the Doctor some time
We assemble our defenses- some D4 and a stick
Two mismatched darts, pool balls, and a lime.
“Aim for the eyepeice!” yells Winchester loudly
Constructing a slingshot from Caz's bra
While Graham and Alex are slicing up limes
And building a fruit gun to mount on the bar
Fran, Izzy and Chris are under the table
Sewing the curtains to make Dalek nets
While Adam and Dave are hurling old bottles
but alas, our attempts don't have an effect
The Daleks arrive, we let fly with D4s
Which is enough to repel them at one of the doors
While covered in lime, and smelling of Gin
they are still pretty adamant that they will come in
With a whoop of delight, we catch one in a net
And cover it's gun with a pie
“Exterminate this”, says Kieth with a grin
And sticks a D4 right into its' eye.
Crouch and Martin- sheer genius working
are taking their life in their hands
And delay the mothership by reciting
The tale of the red man of Pavalan.
But Daleks are Daleks, and we are a pub
Ill equipped for invasions, and fighting and stuff
So eventually defeated, we cower in fear
And hope that it's time for the plan to come clear
The Doctor leaps out of the TARDIS and shouts
“Give me all the smut you can manage”
With a cry of 'pickle tray' we jump into battle
It's the 'happy place' that does the most damage
Innuendos spark! Entendres scythe the air!
Talk of tits, and fishing rights, and nuns in fetish wear
“I used to work in Bearstadt!” howls James above the din
The Daleks start to wobble, perhaps we can win!
It's not just the words but the facial expressions
Roll eyes and smirking, and blow job impressions
We grope a few bottoms, to keep up with the rest
And encourage the resting of heads on my breasts
“I'm sorry” I say, and I mention the Master
The Doctor is cross, but the smut's coming faster
Clare rubs the TARDIS, And Eddie's in bliss
Surely the Daleks can't tolerate This!
“Kayleigh in vests...” we target Winchester!
“Need More!” shouts the Doctor, but we're starting to flag
We're desperately searching for one comment more
How can we pull one more trick from the bag!
“One word,” says the Doctor, to me, in a rush
My eyes open wide and I'm driven to blush
Seeing my face the smut monkeys reload
And the end comes quite quickly- the Daleks implode...
Freed from this threat, we can turn once again
To the temporal problems with which we began
track the alien thieves and restore all the beer
and ensure the pub's clients are once more hu-man
now it's all over, and the doctor's fixed the rift
One thing is still bugging the hell out of Fran
we sit at a table drinking biddy's and ale
She says “So, what was it exactly, that you said to Sam?”
“I don't want to know” James says with a glare
The Doctor looks sheepish and scratches his head
“I can't tell you that,” he says, “you'll just have to guess.”
“you could get him drunk,” was what I then said.
“I never get drunk,” says the doctor and grins
Clutching his pint of shiney bi'dens
Which is when we hear another scream- it's someone outside
And we all rush to look- well, some rush to hide
“Hummmmmmmm,” says the Doctor, and looks out of the door
“You're a long way from home, and there's something more
There's a ship coming near, and they're ready to board
I don't suppose you're equipped for pirates, at all?”![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2008-10-24 02:50 am (UTC)Gone is the car park, and gone are the trees
Gone are the shrubs and the pigeons and bees
Gone are the bollards, and gone are the shrubs
Floating in space - is no place for a pub.
And the bit where the Doctor breaks into a ramble?
I love you
no subject
on 2008-10-24 11:41 am (UTC)The ramble seemed very in character for the Doctor *g* It got a lot of giggles when I read the thing (but everyone WAS drunk, mind). It's definately the only really artistic moment in it . Although, yeah I am partial to the way I switch for the floating verse :)