Songs of Night and Silver

Is there a patron saint of the single? I'm surprised the money grabbing consumerists haven't announced 'enjoy your freeness day' . Hopefully the shops will no longer be full of cutesy love heart wielding bears , demonstrating that you know you're loved by the size of your partners wallet.

Bitter? Damn right I am.  Because right round the country there are people in good relationships being cast into doubt because someone forgot the stupid social convention, and bad relationships encouraged by cash spent on trivial pointlessness.  Would I moan this much if not single? Probably not, I'm as entitled as the next person to feel a spot of 'left on the shelf', but would that mean I suddenly embraced this invasion of cuddly bears? No, dear Goddess, I hope not.

Love is a wonderful thing. It empowers us, motivates us to deeds of great wonder (and horror). We love in so many ways, all different for everyone. I love my mum, my cats, my friends, the people I occasionally have sex with, my work, my vids, the person who lets me get up before them on the train of a morning, I love freedom, and intelligence, and Doctor Who and chocolate, I love the angle of bright morning sun in the winter, I love still streets before dawn, I love fanfic that makes me cry, and pictures that make me laugh. I don't need a day for that, I need a lifetime.

Still.... wouldn't mind someone to cuddle on the couch every now and then.

Phew it's been a busy few days .  Much running around Manchester city centre in search of buses.
Nice to be teaching again, although it's more than a little scary - some of these kids are damn annoying. I have so many session plans to do though!

my financial picture isn't rosy, it's going to be a long hard and skint slog for a couple of months, waiting for my pay to catch up with my hours, not helped by the fact I appear to have been paid 100 quid less than I should from Manchester, which I'll be chasing up ASAP.

Good news on the tendon front, no more splint!  I am allowed 'light use' of my hand, no carrying or gripping, but moving light bits and peices about and fiddling with small things is now okay too. Stroking the cat is now officially therapy! I am allowed to type some, but no writing yet... the physio said she would let me off a few (no gripping the pen tightly!) words on a whiteboard though, which is handy (sic).

I also have a whole new set of exercises to do to hopefully stop the scar tightening (this may happen to me apparently) and doing funny things to the movement of my finger.

Today is ....

Splint off during the day day.

Yes, as of today my hand is free, unless it's going to bed, going travelling or gets over excited.

Now I feel I should be celebrating this new found liberty, although I'm still not supposed to use it for anything...... suggestions anyone? I was contemplating calling David Tennant to come lick my fingers but seem to have lost his phone number.

Had appointment with physio today. Apparently my tendon is doing brilliantly and I have an excellent range of movement for 3 and a half weeks.  It's apparently so good that paradoxically I'm more at risk of snapping the repair because the tendon is supporting itself by itself, rather than with scar tissue! So I get to start the new  hourly excercises sans splint (they are a bit owch) but have to carry on wearing it full time.

However, barring accidents in a week I get to go to wearing it just at night (and if I'm in a position with a high risk of traumatising it ie travelling, working, going out) but still with strict DO NOT USE instructions.

In other news.....

The bank are officially flummoxed as to what to do with me. I'm a good customer, I rarely have problems, they understand my predicament, don't know what to suggest but are still going to charge me for exceeding my overdraft limit. *shrug*

 need a second job in next 3 weeks or well, I dunno really. Start selling my body, maybe. One not so careful owner, few miles on the clock, built for comfort, excellent user satisfaction?

And I will do anything (except call centre and anything needing 2 hands, and frankly that two handed one is shaky because if it comes to tendon function vs being able to pay rent? well what do you think I'm gonna do?). I check the jobcentre jobs every day and am with several temp agencies. It's just not happening.

Here's to a year in which I don't try to cut off any more appendages!

Best wishes to all and theirs.


I have Season 3 Doctor Who box set !
I have sonic screwdriver!
I have Torchwood Box Set


I find it somewhat odd that teh Simm is seriously outsexing teh Tennant on the box. Not that I'm complaining...  he's particularly smouldery and it's very pretty to look at. I have to turn the box round to get anything done :)

Today I went for a dressing change, and got a new splint fitted.
still not allowed to use hand probably for another 7 weeks.
7 bloody weeks.

not only is it my wanking hand, but its gonna make finding extra work impossible
I can just about vid and just about type, very badly

however, my key distractors when I start to wobble- doing xwords/sudoku/scribbling - not possible.
frankly that's what worries me the most.

Had to go to NHS walk in centre to have the nasty gouge in my side cleaned and dressed today as well.

That's what comes of falling over and being unable to fix it yourself.

Still, can't complain too much, it's a bloody inconvenience but it could be worse.

Oy, universe, no more shit  for a bit, huh? Please?

Hello out there, anyone who's listening :)

It's been soooooo long since I last posted, so here's life since september .

No supplementary job yet, I try not to think about it too hard and just keep trying to get something-anything- from cleaning to training, I've had interviews, but it's just not happening (always the second choice, always the - you interviewed really well but.......).

I am just coping with input from a little private tuition and occasional invigilation, but the credit card is getting hammered and I can't keep doing this.

It's such a shame. i love the Manchester job with a passion. But pretty soon something has to give.....

There's still no b/g f in my life.  For varying reasons I can see why this is a state of affairs likely to persist. It's on the cold days when I want to walk with someone's hand in mine I feel it most. But i'm not an easy person to want to be with, or sometimes, to be around.
There are people in whom I am interested, but they value my friendship too much. Which is a cipher for 'I really really don't fancy you in the least'. Meh.  Still,  there's no one around to complain that I spend time writing dodgy Doctor Who porn for my own enjoyment :)

There has been random sex, but it's mostly been quite dull. Apart from the guy with angina, which was just a bit worrying.

Still I have good friends and the occasional in joke and fannish random conversations with them that make my diaphragm hurt. i had a fun time reffing at Serenity Larp. Made me miss running my own games somewhat........

I am planning on using my much spare time to make more vids, as I find it therapeutic. :)

It's the Solstice on Friday and I'm having my usual party, it looks like many people will be coming and I have laid in some special booze. So I'm really looking forward to it. Once that and new year are out of the way i need to seriously review the job situation but I am giving me a few weeks of not thinking about it. I am going to be on my own far too much over the next two weeks to risk thinking about that.

Had a fun event, it was a bit odd being on the 'other side', and feeling guilty I ought to be doing something on Thursday other than being drunk. But met lots of fun people and enjoyed it a lot.

Seem to be having a bit of a post event come down, also not benefitting from distinct uncertainty about my future right now.

Manchester still haven't confimed details to me, I have only a couple of weeks left at Liverpool, can't sort out going back to anthropology until MAnchester get back to me and I see if I can actually fit it in. Not to mention I doub't what manchester are paying me is enough to keep the wolves from the door even if it keeps my hand in.

 Not even interviewed for two posts here at Liverpool I figured I might have a shot at, and so I am now facing the happy prospect of the dole and all that entails- principally not being able to afford where I am living & the debts I have to pay. So all in all. not good place. And last night I was awake at 5 am with the 'you're shit, everyone hates you, your life is a mess, you deserve to fail you bad bad person' internal voices going on and on at me.

Oh yeah and I have a snotty nose.

The little one has been out for well over a week now. She's got a runny nose and the sneezes.

The RSPCA man came last night and nearly netted her but she's fast and smart. I've been left with a trap that caught the wrong cat this morning, can only hope she ends up hungry enough to risk it. Moved it into the cellar bit under the house out of the rain.

She nearly came in through the door with chicken but she's just too wary and I'm not really fast enough to get the door closed. I'm supposed to be going away on Thursday but it's looking less and less likely.

Don't really know what else to do.

Yes.

Some years ago I realised I get depressed in August. Really, not I feel a bit shitty, but the full blown despair for weeks and weeks, kicking off in August. I think it's because in my mind September should be a time of promise, going back to school or uni, a chance to learn new stuff , a real new step going somewhere up the educational ladder or wherever.

And now..... now it's nothing. Or associated with painful changes, and fears, and the realisation that really - I am going nowhere.

Last year I told myself I'd do something, make sure I had something special to look forward to or be excited about during August so that I could avoid the evil cycle.

It doesn't seem to have worked. Possibly because I have nothing to look forward to, or be excited about that even so much as suggests life isn't so bad after all.

The End of my contract coming up (2 months to go) has really put the frighteners on me. And when I get worried about something I can't (and I have bloody tried) concentrate enough to rationalise it. And then all the other things join in the gap as well.

Last August I was in a very bad way, and it was probably only getting this job that kept me going for a while, although frankly, the last year has had a lot of hell in it. This job was intended to be a bit of a springboard towards some kind of educator role in a University, and because PHD wasn't required I actually had some hope that I'd get a chance for development. It was a short term contract, true enough, but it really didn't seem the kind of post that could just vanish . And anyway, it would put me in a good learning space.

But no. Although I was promised chance to complete CertTLHE, the course was full before I'd done 1 week in the post and the next one starts after I 'm gone. So no qualification benefit to having done this post then.  The world is filling with young, bright, pretty people with PHDs and PGCEs against whom my experience is worthless in the face of a peice of paper. (A peice of paper, incidentally, I can't get unless I'm actually teaching already.)

I'm now faced with being one year further on up what has turned into a blind alley and not the opportunity I wanted. My brain is telling me that this (Age 33, no driving licence, no house, no relationship, no job ever lasted longer than 2 years) really is my last chance to do what I want to otherwise I am looking at a hateful university admin job in an office full of normal people who think I am strange and incessantly chat about big brother or bitch about me;  and no creativity, teaching or learning anywhere to be seen. I DO NOT WANT to have that kind of existence, I don't think I can actually cope with that kind of existence. And it's easy to say do it for a while to sort yourself out but there is NO sorting out of that kind of situation. The longer I'm away from anything close to what I want to do, the more that little dream drifts over the horizon like all the other ones I've ever had.

And that's the good version of this future, because at the moment homeless is a possible option as well. i suppose plausibly I could try and get on a PGCE (I hate kids. I really, really hate them and besides the history of mental illness rather affects that one), or back to Anthropology  (I love that subject so much but without some other income of reasonable level I am screwed) but you know what, then I have to move into some dingy little shit hole that the cats won't be allowed in so I end up losing the only thing I actually do have in my life.

And yeah, I'm creative, and I write stuff, and I can make cool videos but frankly, no one cares about that shit and those that do have a plethora of newly qualified professionals not a self taught fangirl hobbyist. My life is small, pathetic and pointless.

What about part time PhDs? Well, I've had a look, and you know what, it's not possible, because you still have to go along to compullsory this or compulsory that once a week that no FT job would work round and no PT job can pay for. And I believed I may have mentioned before the problem with the TLHE certificate.

I don't have a PhD, or a proper teaching qualification. other people do. Ergo, I am not as good as these people otherwise I would have had the chance to have one by now. Ergo I deserve the uncertainty and the life I have outlined above. And because I deserve that I can't change that. So that is how it is going to be. AND I don't want that... so I don't know what to do.